"FUCK THIS AMERICAN LIFE"

Today my drunk mother demanded an apology for my being born
today my 17 yr old daughter put a doll in the microwave to keep her warm
today I woke up to my boyfriend jacking off        to a pic of his dead mom
today I realized that pirates are a myth like the Greeks & Romans
today I received an email from one of my students in Russian history
       which sd he always thought Stalin was fake like the moon landing
today my wife’s boyfriend learned that you can’t flush condoms
today a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire at a bus stop
today I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri
       she sd I don’t like how that slut talks to you       so thanks Georgia
today at a soup kitchen in Iowa a guy called the food crap
       he sd I’ll shove this bowl up yr ass if you don’t give me something better
today I explained to my teenage daughter
                                                                      The Interview isn’t a documentary
today a kid looked at me & screamed “Chewbacca!” then ran away
today I explained to an increasingly angry woman that she couldn’t get an ultrasound
       with a referral from her psychic               so thanks Minnesota
today I had to explain to my grandmother why it isn’t a compliment to say
       what a nice singing voice he doesn’t sound black at all
today I walked in on my husband jacking off               to a photo of himself
today my brother tried to wake me up
                                                               by lighting my bed on fire
today I found 3
                         3 of my sister’s dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house
today I got reprimanded by my boss for saying “It’s a stab in the dark”
apparently that’s a euphemism for anal sex & insensitive to a gay colleague
today I refused to serve a woman alcohol since she looked underage
       she complained to my manager about “age racism”