Mary Anne Zammit

Different Stories; Different Lives 

It is night, and again it is time to read fairytales for my daughter Elisa. She comes now and looks at me. Her brown eyes are full of life which help to illuminate my dull life.

'Mama, what are you going to read for me tonight?'

'Yes, today I am going to read for you the story of Beauty and the Beast’

She smiled and her eyes were full of dreams.

She is going to have different dreams, different from mine.

I had dreams too but my story took me to different paths, almost dangerous ones.

I remember the day I left home. I was sixteen years old. The situation at home was hard to bear. My father was alcoholic and was always violating my mother.

In my recollections, I hardly saw her standing up against him. On the contrary, she always justified his actions.

I could not tolerate this situation and when Darren came into my life, I moved in with him. What I did not know was that life with Darren was leading to another hell. Darren abused drugs and was involved in drug trafficking. Initially, life was pleasant and Darren brought a lot of money home till I tried drugs and there was no turning back.

A life of ups and downs with moments of being clear off drugs and of relapse. And amidst this chaos I found out that I was carrying a child. I was still abusing drugs.

Further on, my situation was aggravated when the Court of Magistrates sentenced me for nine months imprisonment.

I shuddered. What would happen to me now? This was going to be my first experience in prison, especially now that I was three months pregnant.

It was going to be damned hard.

And Darren? He was indifferent and told me that he doubted the paternity of the child.

Alone and devastated, I found myself in the Prison Female Section.

There were about twelve inmates in the unit and their ages varied from 18 to 45 years. Most of them were sentenced or were under arrest for crimes of theft, drugs and prostitution.

Initially, they eyed me with suspicion and did not speak to me but then they approached me and introduced themselves. 

Some of them were in prison for quite a while and have planted their roots in the unit, but to my utter surprise they started showing solidarity and even friendship towards me. Perhaps, due to my situation or they decided they could trust me.

I needed that. The best companions in this unknown journey were Eileen and Maris who were sentenced for drug trafficking and prostitution respectively. They both had children and were allowed regular visits with their children, their ages varying  between three and six. Their situation was rather different than mine as their children lived with their parents.

I had no family but Eileen reassured me that the prison social workers would find a way to help me.

I must say that in prison I have found a new family and new friends, but deep within me I knew it was going to be difficult.

And so the days went by, one after the other and every day was no different, classes and regulations but I could not complain much. The staff were nice towards me and made sure that I got the necessary care and treatment.

Now, I was six months pregnant and no one came to visit me but I had Eileen and Maris who were with me most of the time. Even the other women at times joined me and this helped to alleviate the shadows of despair and loneliness which often descended upon me.

Every now and then some of the women liked to create trouble or better vent their anger and frustrations on those around then, particularly the Staff. I noticed that these turbulent moments often took place after their sessions in Court or after having visits.  

Some of the women have gone through all kinds of experiences like sleeping in streets, violence, abuse and abandonment. They had nothing to lose or gain and prison was normally the last stage where these emotions came up. Inside of us there was pain and anger.

In addition to that prison offered an opportunity for addressing our needs such as those of health which are often neglected by life in the streets.

As for myself, I could not complain as the Staff made sure that I had regular visits to hospital. They told me the baby was healthy but I was sad, afraid of what might happen.

I had nowhere to go but I would fight for the baby and even change my life. She was the only light in my life.

Still the doubts came to haunt me. Will I be a good mother? Maris reassured me that these feelings were quite normal, that every pregnant woman goes through this. It was not enough.

Behind walls every situation appears larger than life and emotions are duplicated. Then the big day came. All I recall was that I was with Maris, Clare and other inmates when my water broke. Panic took over me and the women gathered around me to offer help. I was rushed in to hospital and within a couple of hours I gave birth to a girl.

I could never ever describe what I felt as I held my little one. She was so beautiful, so sweet and I named her Elisa.

No one and nothing would separate me from her, but things were going to be different than I thought.  I only wished that time stopped at the moment when I held my baby, for what followed was hard to bear.             

A couple of days after I have given birth to Elisa an unexpected thing happened.  Elisa was taken from me by Social Workers, with the possibility of a Care Order.

It meant that Elisa would be taken from me forever.

Back to prison it seemed like a dark cloud has fallen upon me and a part of me has been lost. I cried and cried till there were no tears to shed. All the women did their best to comfort me but nothing could console me.

I was devastated, lost and desperate.

Confined within these walls I only wished for death.

I shall never forget the support and care I was given by all the women who comprehended my situation. My case led to frustration and anger particularly towards the Authorities. But what could we do?

For the first time I was going to have the opportunity to be a mother and live a normal life but it has been taken from me. And the reasons for taking Elisa from me were that children cannot stay in prison and because of my life style.

It saddened me and with each day I missed Elisa more and more.

They did not give me the time to bond with my daughter and that filled me with utter desperation.

Without my Elisa, death appeared as sweet honey. 

One day amidst this darkness a new hope emerged. The prison social worker has sent for me and promised to help me in my cause for Elisa. I felt relieved and my heart was filled with hope again.

And I owed it all to my fellow prisoners who supported me and contributed to this.

And so, by the time I terminated my sentence, the Child Protection Agency were willing to give me another opportunity.

This gave me a new incentive to work on my problems. With great effort I managed to get out of my drug habit and even got a job. By time I was even given access to meet Elisa. What joy I felt, what elation as I held her close to me. The access sessions went on consistently till one day Elisa came to live with me.

……………………

Every night when I am reading to Elisa I stop to think of the moments in prison. How hard it was without her.

Then I think of my companions who walked all the way with me.

If it was not for them, I would not have made it.

I have not heard from them. I understand. They wanted a new life.

Nevertheless, they would never leave my memories.   

Mary Anne Zammit is a graduate from the University of Malta in Social Work, in Probation Services, in Diplomatic Studies and in Masters in Probation and has also obtained a Diploma in Freelance and Feature Writing from the London School of Journalism. Mary Anne Zammit is author of four novels in Maltese and two in English. Some of Ms Zammit‘s literary works and poetry  have also been featured in  International magazines and Anthologies and set to  music and performed during the Medina Cathedral Art Biennale in Malta. Also, her artistic works have been exhibited in various collective exhibitions both locally and abroad. In June 2018 Mary Anne has been awarded the Artist of the Year at the International Art Exhibition, Mezzujuso, Sicily. In 2019 Mary Anne was again rewarded Emeritato Artistico al Maestro per alto messagio artistico, in  the second Mezzujuso International Art Exhibition. In the same year Mary Anne was awarded  the Art Prize Eccellenza in Onore a Salvatore Fiume in Comiso, Sicilia.            

Mary Anne’s art work has also been featured in Autumn edition 2018 of Art Ascent and in Rejoinder Journal on line published by the Institute for Research on Women, and in The Universal Sea, The Art and Innovation Movement Against Water Pollution. Between the 24th and 28th October 2019 Mary Anne participated in the Erotic Art Exhibition in London. Between the 14th November and 17th November 2019 Mary Anne had a solo exhibition with the title “Women and Her Emotions” at Jasmine Nursing Home, Mary Anne‘s literary work was also featured in Literature Today, Volume 4, 5 and 6. Other two poems were published in 2016 in Taj Mahal Review Volume 15, published by Cyberwit India. One other poem was published in the New English Verse in 2016, and in Praxis On-line Magazine for Arts and Literature, and in The International Collection of Poetry and Prose on the Bravery and Horror of War. In 2017 in the edition on Betrayal and Being Betrayed and Edition on Seasons, and prose on the edition with the title The Challenges of Finding love,  Empowerment, The Elements and Eros and Suicide. Other poetry was published in 2017 in an International Contemporary Poetry Volume 4 and in 2018 other poetry was included in The Qutub Minor Review Vol. 1.  In 2019 another poem was published in Literature Today Volume 8 and in an International Anthology by Nicosia Beyond Barriers. Participation with art work and poetry during an International Showcase in Fact Liverpool on “Experiencing Intersectionality, Other Perspectives, Other Lives”, in June 2019. In November 2019 Mary Anne was interviewed for The International Poet Magazine compiled by Robin Barrett and her poems included in the edition of The Poet collection, the Seasons 2019, War and Battle 2020 and Lockdown 2020.