Gregory Wilder

Post-Acute Withdrawal Soliloquy

The Tao is flowing against me…

Ready to crash down with the force of a massive tidal wave.

Bracing myself for it to hit me,

Like that first cold burst of water

When you turn on the showers in Jail…

Shall I always remain Jon Snow,

The bastard child,

Being sent to this wall of my own creation?

Stacked endlessly in every direction, All in All,

With Bricks of Guilt, and Pain, and Devastation.

Plastered with Anxiety,

On a solid foundation of Depression. Desperation.

Made with no Architecture Major –

We Don't Need No Education!

In this structure they can't break.

Things feel structured, things feel safe.

2:30 and 10:30 Lock-Ins. 3 Hots and a Cot.

A prisoner of my own Devices,

Only I control the lock.

Numb in comfort in this Box.

Numbers I can call Collect.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I'm starting to forget.

Calling out when I feel helpless,

But when I call Nobody's Home.

IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?!

"Your Call Was Not Accepted"… (Dial Tone)

Why do I always come here to get away,

When all I really want is not to feel so alone?

But Out There everything's unsure.

Out There everything's unknown.
Out There, Beyond the Wall, they say The Others roam…

Coming up asking for change.

Out There it's DSS, SNAP, TANF,

$163 a Month, Tom Petty Cash.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part.

R.I.P. to my P.N.A.

Out There dense clouds of emotion form from my apathy,

And I’m the Lightning Rod in a Drama Storm.

What's the forecast Sexy Weather Girl?

A Torrential Downpour of paperwork and appointments:

Catch the 11:44 Under the Bridge.

Red Hot Chili Pepper Speedball.

Poli-ticking Paris Climate Change Time Bomb,

Trump’s pullout game is weak.

And when it comes to putting up walls

He obviously doesn’t have shit on me!

Broken promises. Broke and in need.

Broken pipes and syringes flood the streets;

Schenectady Sanitation couldn’t even keep us addicts clean.

As the sirens, fireworks, and ignorant people scream –

Can't find a Peaceful place to sleep, or read

Or even THINK!...

They smoke Loud because quiet doesn't exist in this City.

And Out There, things aren't always as they seem…

Roofie Pill Pudding Pop.

Bill Cosby Benadryl Dream.

Out There Cash Rules Everything Around Me

C.R.E.A.M! But I’m Asset

                                  Limited

                                  Income

                                  Constrained

                                  Employed in Wonderland.

And We’re All, Mad, Here.

Out There we end up broken when coming off the Wall –

Humpty Dumpty Dark Knight.

Bruce, Why Do We Fall?

And All the King's Horses, and All the King's Men

Can't ever make the pieces quite fit right again –

Potato Head Picasso Portrait Mode.

Out There I can't find Service.

Out There it's always Buffering.

My senses have started returning

And I see the world is suffering.

So I Meditate for 40 years under the Tree of Knowledge.

The Serpent tells me to eat its fruit,

And I feel Shameful and Exposed.

And the Fear that I will fail

Is the snake that eats its tail.

I don't believe. And that is why.

Out There, it’s “Do or Do Not.

There Is No Try.”

Out There I search for answers

But all I ever get is questioned.

But Why?

Why have to answer to anything but a Higher Calling

When I stopped answering the Call to get High?

Outside this Pandora's Box where I'm confined

I have to limp forward without a crutch now to face my Demons,

But my Spirit Gate is closed.

Out There are roads paved with Good Intentions,

But Out There I feel lost without direction.

No GPSes, when you hit bottom

At least there's nowhere to go but up –

Up this Stairway to Heaven.

I take 8 Steps forward, 10 Steps back,

12 Step Programs and Repentance.

Acceptance – We’ll Keep Coming Back

“After a Brief Word from Our Sponsors” –

Count your Blessings, Do the Step Work,

Ain't No - Half Steppin’.

Wanna go for a run, like Forrest Gump,

But the Justice System has me tethered.

Drug Court Dates and UDSes,

Call my Color, Gotta Pee, like I drank 15 Dr. Peppers...

But maybe if I pass them all, and maybe if I pray:

“Dear God. Make me a bird. To fly far, far away.”

While Lynyrd Skynyrd plays,

I'll be Free as a Bird and This Bird You Cannot Change!

Yes! Free At Least. Free At Last!

Free the Nipple. Free Bus Pass –

Oh The Places We Will Go...

The nightmares our future's hold

Will be dreams compared to our pasts.

And That's All,

            I Got To Say,

About That.

Purcell House, June 2017

Gregory Wilder is a spoken word poet and former addict who now works helping other recovering addicts through the healing of Art and Writing Therapy.